Latest Entry: Starr’s Lessons in Manners
With Halloween fast approaching and the temperature dropping lower than my grade point average, many people tend to find themselves in the unenviable position of having to attend to jobs and classes. Sadly this change often involves associating with people outside of the net. Without that comfortable veil of anonymity to hide behind, it is slightly more difficult to get away with acting like an asshole. Fortunately our beloved friend Starr has recently done some research in the field of etiquette.
“Good Manners” and “Respect” are tough topics in today’s society. Generally they are a behavior we can cultivate that will enable us to be considerate to others when we aren’t actively thinking about it. I keep hearing that North Americans are the least well-mannered group in the world. This could be because of a variety of reasons, varying from the increased use of gadgets like cell phones and other wireless devices, or a C.O.W. like focus becoming a more common reality (Center Of World mind set by Dr. John Mayer). Regardless of the cause, it has led to a growing industry of etiquette instruction. There are many books on the market that offer instruction and guidance on how to behave in a variety of situations and social encounters. You can even take classes and seminars on etiquette, a woman named Gloria Starr (gotta love that last name) offers etiquette classes to corporations and similar entities that are designed to make them more polite and give them a better edge when interacting with clients (for a modest fee of course).
If you are not too keen on spending money to learn better manners you can always adjust your own behavior and observe for yourself how people react. I mean it’s pretty easy to see that people prefer to be treated with respect and courtesy. The problem with that is everyone has a different idea of what constitutes good manners. For example, some people want to go back to a Victorian era style etiquette, while others are a little more modern. Another problem is that some of you might not be clever or observant enough to actually notice the effect your behavior has on those around you. Luckily I am here to clarify this whole “manner” issue for you.
In my opinion, it’s how you speak to people that is the cornerstone to proper manners and I am going to help everyone out and tell you how you should speak to the people you meet. “How can I get away with this?” You might ask, well I have a degree in good manners and that makes me an expert, so you should listen to me. Here are some of my suggestions to becoming a more respectful and well-mannered person.
Don’t take the time to think before you open your mouth to talk. If you take the time to form a complete sentence with no pauses or stall words like “uuum” and “er” people will think you are snobbish and trying to make them sound inferior. I found that it helps if you pretend that you are from a small town in the southern states and have just been asked to explain how your mom and dad have the same parents. If you can master that mental trick you can stumble over your words like a pro and people will appreciate you dumbing yourself down so they can look smarter. Remember its good manners to make others feel good about themselves.
Speak loudly and proudly. If you talk at a normal volume level people will think you are meek and lose respect for you. Not only that, but if you are talking to someone who is hard of hearing they might think you are making fun of them and that would be very, very rude. Those around you will see you as confident and polite enough to share your conversation with everyone in the room, not just rudely limiting your conversation to the person nearest you. It shows that you are not a secretive person and therefore very trustworthy, so next time you are at the library, or even a movie, practice talking loudly.
Be honest to others when speaking to them. I have found that the best way to show respect is to be brutally honest. Everyone appreciates honesty, right? Don’t worry if you make a comment that could be seen as negative, or even insulting. If it is true (or if only you think its true) go ahead and say it. If you hold back just to save someone’s feelings, that’s very disrespectful. Even something as minor as changing how you talk to a person can cause offense accidentally. If you use degrading or offensive images to get the point across normally, then the respectful thing to do is to remain consistent. Telling a person they need to get their head out of their ass is useful information, and therefore a sign of courtesy and respect.
A big mistake lots of people make is to automatically treat older people with respect, as if they have some sort of secret wisdom that they can share with those that treat them differently. Treating people differently because of age is discriminatory and very disrespectful. This also applies to people with disabilities. If some senile senior is talking to himself in line at the store, just tell him to shut the hell up. I mean if some punk kid was shooting his mouth off you would tell him to shut the hell up, wouldn’t you? Be respectful and treat everyone equally.
People are drawn to those who are confident and assertive. A person who is confident and assertive is seen as a leader and someone others can trust and respect. If you want something, demand it! Don’t say “please”, or “thank you” that’s what weak people do. By demanding respect you are helping others see what they need to do to learn to be more respectful.
Speak truthfully of your friends and family. Just because your Dad is a cross dresser and your Mom sacrifices cats to Satan in the basement doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to hide who they are. Not speaking openly about what ignorant people might call “private family matters” is rude, and downright shameful. Divulging the truth is not only a sign of respect and openness, it shows other people that your family is just as fucked up as theirs. That fact enables them to make a connection with you. It’s not inappropriate to talk about your brother’s trip to the emergency room. So what if he had a frog, a Spawn action figure and a condom removed from his ass, no one will think you mentioned it to be mean or tacky. They will see it as the respectful desire to share an intimate family moment with them, and they will appreciate the gesture.
Swearing and profanity are very misunderstood in today’s culture. People might say it’s unprofessional, or that it shows immaturity and a lack of self-control. Monty Python was right. I took a specialized class in profanity and they taught me that not only are swear words appropriate, they show allow people to see the real you. Swearing is a form of language that expresses strong feelings and can be used to convey both positive and negative emotions. I learned that it is disrespectful to hide the beauty of your emotions from people just because some people are dumb enough to take offense. These people are merely not intelligent enough to recognize a sign of respect. So next time some soccer mom shhhh’s you for swearing in front of their 8 year old during a Disney movie, feel free to tell both mother and child to go fuck themselves. Not only will they see that you feel strongly about the issue, but they will see that you respected them enough to be honest about your feelings.
Contrary to popular belief, it is considered a sign of respect and good manners to spread gossip and belittle people. Open criticism isn’t an attempt to put someone down, it’s a way to show them that you respect them enough to make them the focus of the conversation or topic. It is especially important to be savagely honest in any criticism you express. Just because you yourself are beyond judgment, doesn’t mean you don’t respect other people enough to help them recognize their faults and flaws. If a friend shows you a picture of her cousin wearing a swimsuit, and said cousin’s physique leaves something to be desired, it’s completely appropriate to proclaim that she looks like Chris Farley wearing two pieces of lace. Everyone will respect you for your honest criticism and see that you have the integrity not to hold back your thoughts. If you see someone is spreading gossip behind a friends back don’t try to change the subject. That would be rude. Instead merely throw in a few rumors and stories of your own, to add to the conversation. Doing that will not only show that you respect what the speaker says, it will also prove that you like to hear what your friend is up to.
There you have it. With these tips and suggestions you will be well on your way to becoming a more respectful, well-mannered person. I am confident that with a bit of practice and effort you too can learn to be nearly as polite and courteous as I am. It might seem difficult, but the next time you are in a situation that requires you to treat someone with respect, follow my advice and everything will work out perfectly, honest.
Respectful fucking yours
Starr
